For those of you not intimately familiar with Australia's Most Liveable City™, Toorak is one of Melbourne's most affluent suburbs, and arguably one of the wankiest places in Australia. Toorak is to Melbourne what Mosman is to Sydney or Beverly Hills is to Los Angeles: luxurious, expensive, and a wretched hive of scum and villainy.
A common epithet in the Australian lexicon that refers to the suburb is the automotive term 'Toorak tractor' – a slur to describe the sorts of expensive luxury SUVs that the well-heeled like to buy that spend more time parked outside a cafe than they do off-road.
The median property price in Toorak is well above $4.5mil and you can expect to pay almost $1mil for an apartment, proving that Sydney isn't the only city with crazy house prices (or crazy properties). Indeed, you can expect to pay well over $1mil for this Toorak apartment, which might be the most 'Toorak' property you'll ever lay your eyes on.
1/32 Grange Road, Toorak – also known as "Hemingway" – is an eye-watering art deco-inspired mini-mansion of an apartment. Hemingway stands out as an outrageous offering in a suburb known for its extravagance.
“During my 45-year career selling high-end property, I have [never] seen an apartment to rival the sheer opulence, quality, detail and authentic art deco revival of this [one]," RT Edgar agent Warwick Anderson relates.
"Ideally suited to an extremely successful citizen of the world, [this is] most likely the best-finished apartment ever offered in Toorak.”
"Now surplus to the owner’s requirements, this [is a] magnificent, sumptuous 4 bedroom single level apartment occupying all of the ground floor of a 900sqm allotment with a further 300sqm of what can only be described as a place of worship for car enthusiasts."
The previous owner clearly liked their motors, although we reckon they're a cut above the regular Toorak tractor driver. The huge 6-car garage provides plenty of room for one's car collection – although the owner must also like collecting model cars almost as much as the real things, as Hemingway's décor reflects.
Every room of the apartment has been lavishly decorated in art deco style, with no expense spared. The parlour room is of particular noteworthiness, furnished with a wine cabinet, humidor and of course, automotive trinkets galore. Other highlights include a huge walk-in wardrobe for the master bedroom; a study with a monolithic desk and padded orange ceiling (very exxy); multiple bars and liquor cabinets in multiple rooms; and a huge balcony, perfect for hosting the Great Gatsby-themed party of your dreams.
This stupidly rich apartment might be the punchline to every Toorak joke out there, but it's hard to deny how fantastic it is. Hemingway is listed on realestate.com.au if you hoi polloi want to have a grubby gander.
Australia's most famous mountain isn't known for its height, skiing or amazing vistas: instead, it's famous for being part of one of the world's most iconic racecourses.
Bathurst's Mount Panorama is the spiritual home of Australian motorsport. The Mount Panorama Circuit, home to the Bathurst 1000 and Bathurst 12 Hour races, is one of the most demanding race tracks in the world. Its steep grades, tight turns, and 174m vertical difference between its highest and lowest points makes it a particularly scary track. Uniquely, it's also technically a street circuit, as it's formed by public roads.
489 Conrod Straight (perhaps the coolest address in Australia) is due to go under the hammer on the 30th of July. A well-appointed property by any standards, its value is increased dramatically by having its 17 acres surrounded by Australia's most famous race track.
Named in reference to a disastrous mechanical failure Australian racing legend Frank Kleinig suffered during a 1939 race, Conrod Straight is the fastest section of the Mount Panorama Circuit, with V8 Supercars reaching almost 300 km/h as they hurtle downhill. It's also this property's veritable driveway.
Aside from the obvious novelty of being able to enjoy Australia's best motorsport from the comfort of your backyard, 489 Conrod Straight also includes 17 acres spread over two titles with four paddocks, views back over the city, a historic orchard, a 6.6kw solar system and a well-sized dam among other features.
The house itself isn't really anything to write home about, but you're hardly buying this property for its kitchen. That said, the separate and sizeable extension is home to an awesome entertainment area, complete with wood fireplace and a huge undercover veranda.
"Up for sale for the first time in 88 years, these 17 acres of prime land feature a number of structures over its two titles," Grant Maskill-Dowton from Raine & Horne details.
"All up there are 6 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, a house being the main home and its detached extension, the shed, historic orchard, views for days and a pine tree-lined boundary sets the rest of the scene for this truly special estate situated on Australia's most famous race track."
"These opportunities only come around every so often in a lifetime, with buyers usually holding onto the real estate in this location for generations."
Bathurst itself is a great place to live, a bustling regional centre nestled in the heart of NSW's Central Tablelands. It boasts excellent schools, a top university, no traffic, easy parking, a friendly community whilst still offering all the amenities of a city.
Checking out 489 Conrod Straight would also be a great excuse to drive the Mount Panorama Circuit. As previously mentioned, it's a public road that anyone's allowed to drive on when there isn't a race happening (although you're limited to 60km/h and cops watch the area like a hawk).
The Gold Coast is a cancerous paradise. It's also one of the most fun cities in Australia. The relaxed culture, glorious beaches, great weather and entertainment options make it one of our biggest tourist destinations, and fastest-growing cities.
This property that's just gone onto the market in Tugun, down the southern end of the Gold Coast, is another compelling reason to consider a move to the Holiday Strip. 662 Pacific Parade is a truly amazing beachfront mansion with enough amenities to give an Ibiza celebrity mansion a run for its money – and properties like this are few and far between, even in this glamorous area.
"Due to a recent change in planning laws you can no longer build a house anywhere near the height of this house," Madonna Delaney Real Estate notes.
"The land has a 20m frontage to the beach, when the vast majority of Gold Coast B\beachfront homes only have a 10m frontage. The 20m frontage lots on Hedges Ave now sell for in excess of $11 million without a house, so this is truly a rare opportunity to secure a very unique Gold Coast showpiece beachfront home."
[caption id="attachment_261630" align="alignnone" width="920"] The exterior of 662 Pacific Parade. Image: realestate.com.au[/caption]
Only 5min from Coolangatta Airport and near the M1 freeway to Brisbane, this property, simply named "Pacific", could be the world's best holiday house (or, for that matter, permanent house).
The beauty of the Gold Coast is that you have all the amenities and convenience you get from living in a big city, but the friendliness and tranquility of a small coastal town, particularly in a southern suburb like Tugun. The Gold Coast has a permanent party vibe – the perfect antidote to the sh*tshow that is the world in 2020.
That said, why would you even want to go out when your home's already the perfect party location?
[caption id="attachment_261639" align="alignnone" width="920"] The 3m tall sliding doors open up to create a huge space, perfect for parties. Image: realestate.com.au[/caption]
Pacific is four stories tall and has everything: a 5 car garage, huge kitchen, home theatre, multiple balconies, a firepit, and a stunning glass-edged pool with integrated sunbeds.
Basically every room in this house has an ocean view, Pacific's dramatic height and beachfront location providing dramatic vistas from every angle. The house itself is pretty to look at, too – having graced the cover of Queensland Homes magazine and due to be showcased soon on Channel 9's Australia's Best Homes.
Pacific has 3 large bedrooms all with their own walk-in wardrobes and ensuites, but the master bedroom has the best feature of all: a stunning view from your bed out over the ocean. Nothing's more romantic than seeing the sun rise from the comfort of your bed.
[caption id="attachment_261640" align="alignnone" width="832"] This is what dreams are made of. Image: realestate.com.au[/caption]
When you think of luxurious 'fun in the sun' locations, there's a few that spring to mind. Saint-Tropez, Ibiza, Santorini, California, Amalfi, Miami... The Gold Coast ought to join that list, too.
Unlike some of those locations, however, it isn't insufferably wanky.
Properties this uncommon, this well-appointed and in this location rarely go up for tender, so if you're interested, check out realestate.com.au for more info.
Oh, and if you plan on having a big housewarming party, send us an invite, please...
Australians love a bit of online retail therapy. And who can blame us?
Sure, there are still a few things you have to go shopping for in-person, like cars or high-end watches, but it's never been easier to shop online. The reality is that it's what most Australians prefer – the shrinking retail sector is proof that brick-and-mortar establishments haven't moved with the times and don't offer the level of customer service or discounts needed to keep people shopping.
Why would you want to go to a clothes store when online retailers offer same-day delivery, free returns, better prices, and a 0% chance of having to deal with other customer's bullsh*t?
The value proposition of online shopping has grown significantly during The Pandemic – going shopping in public's suddenly become a lot less palatable (or straight-up impossible for some goods, as many stores have closed their doors).
However, there are a number of guilty online shopping habits we've picked up too, which have been masterfully trolled in a recent music video, produced by Klarna.
Klarna, a new-fangled invention that lets you pay purchases off in 4 interest-free installments (via a secure 'ghost' credit card), is the app that offered Aussies the chance to win big from their love of homegrown fashion back in May.
More recently, Klarna produced the aforementioned video in collaboration with singer / songwriter Thandi Phoenix, hip-hop artist Tuka and comedians The Inspired Unemployed.
Called, Get What I Love, the cheeky track pokes fun at what Aussies have been spending their dosh on during lockdown shopping online: Tim Tams, DIY projects, g-strings...
The video's garnered attention online – not only because it's a genuinely catchy track, but as an example of advertising done right.
Young Australians are appropriately skeptical of flashy ad campaigns and thinly-veiled attempts at social engineering. Remember that cringe-worthy Pepsi ad where Kendall Jenner hands the riot police a Pepsi? It's not hard to see why that failed so miserably.
It's also good to see Klarna support local talents, particularly at a time when many musicians, comedians, artists and other creatives are out of work due to COVID-19.
“It used to be really hard for people like me to partner up with brands because I am considered an underground artist and it was seen as a sell-out,” says Tuka.
“But today with no government support and arts funding eroded, big brands and corporations are feeding and supporting creative industries. Moving forward people like me will be collaborating with big brands more in the future. And especially during lockdown when we couldn’t perform this kind of job was really important, not just for my pocket, but also for my morale. It gave me confidence when I had a lot of uncertainty around me as an artist.”
In any case, here are Australia's guiltiest online shopping habits, as seen in the above clip:
Excessive groceries. Whether it's 'accidentally' ordering 10 packets of biscuits instead of 1 or hoarding enough canned beans and toilet paper to see out the heat death of the universe, Australians love a bit of grocery hoarding.
Going all DIY and never following it through. How many times have we bought a new tool or paint and promised ourselves that we're going to start a new project? You'd think we'd have the time during lockdown to actually get something done but there hasn't been an explosion of deck-building around the nation.
Excessive home studio tech. The fact you're not exposed to judgemental shop assistants when you shop online is both a good and a bad thing. Sometimes, you need someone to discourage you from spending bulk cash on podcasting equipment. Your banter's not that red hot, champ.
Questionable fashion choices. Nothing quite matches the thrill of buying a new wardrobe online, but how often do you really wear those bright orange trousers? (They look great, though.)
2020's half over and it's been a pretty miserable six months. Half the country is in cinders, you can't meet with people without leaving room for Jesus, we're all losing our jobs and we've descended into an even more absurd phase of cultural dissonance.
At least we're not in America, which seems to be falling apart at the seams. Wake us up once the civil war's over and Kanye emerges as President, please and thank you.
The US descending into apocalypse hasn't stopped some particularly incorrigible 'Muricans from trying to export their madness over here, as an online betting site has developed what might be the most perverse pandemic parlour game yet.
American sportsbook MyBookie has launched a 'Divorce Calculator' that allows you to generate odds on the likelihood that a marriage will end in divorce. Basically, it's a questionnaire that can be filled out by either partner of a married couple, or someone familiar with the couple. Then, friends, family, and complete strangers can place wagers on the sanctity of said marriage.
[caption id="attachment_261303" align="alignnone" width="920"] The questionnaire on the mybookie.ag website.[/caption]
“Amidst the COVID-19 lockdown, sports betting enthusiasts are experiencing interesting times to say the least,” says David Strauss, MyBookie's head oddsmaker.
“There are still very few sporting events, so people are itching for things on which to bet. Now that peoples’ relationships are being tested like never before – being locked in with significant others with no distractions – we predict divorce rates will reach a new all-time high. While we’re not rooting for an increase in divorces, we thought marriage would make for an interesting institution to wager on.”
Look, we get it, we've been missing the NBA too, but this is just more evidence of the moral decay and decline of the West; another nail in the coffin of normal human decency. Letting your mates or family bet on your relationship falling apart thanks to lockdown? We're truly doomed.
That said, the chance to make a little bit of scratch during these Unprecedented Times is pretty tempting... Hey mum and dad, you still sleeping together or nah?